It had been almost ten years that school was over yet our group had remained the same. We were a group of six people and always together. After school ended we got busy in our life that usually happens. But we did remain in touch and met up as frequently as possible. Well, best friends remain best friends irrespective of anything. and so were we. The tag of 'best friends' is always not needed and so was it not needed in our case. We were just always there for each other. Even before going to parties we sent each other photos of dresses that we wanted to wear but couldn't choose. We took the most critical decisions of our life by consulting each other before our parents. During the most heartbreaking situations she was there to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. She was the one who taught me to love Fred with my broken heart and it was a beautiful experience to love him and be loved back. She was my bridesmaid when I got married and the first person to speak to both sets of parents about getting us married. When my kids were born she became their Godmother and christened them too. After few years when the turn came to send them to school it was she who chose the school. Of course my husband was there to take the decision but nothing was ever done without consulting her. Fred loved her as much as I did or maybe just a little less because no one can love her as much as I do.
Even I have been with her on every turn of life. I am more than sure that she has never faced any problem alone. Maybe I was not always able to solve them but she had my support always. After her mother's death when she was left broken and dusted I remained with her every moment and brought her back to life. When she decided not to get married I supported her because marriage is not the only happiness in life. It is not the only companionship. And as far as she was concerned she would never feel alone or in need of companionship because I was always there with her. I know I have never left her alone even once. After I got married and moved to a different city she too went there with her job and we stayed together. Fred loved the idea and we were a very happy family. We have memories that can never be recreated with anyone else. I had a kind of blind faith in her that I didn't have in Fred too. Such was the intensity of our bond. And then one fine day everything came to an end and my time stopped.
I remember the sensation on my skin and the chill that ran down my spine when the call came from the hospital. I was in my night clothes and ran out that way. I remember the way I drove there and the scenario around. I had called Fred by then and he too was on his way. I ran up the stairs to the ICU as fast as I could. But by then everything was over. Fred reached in a few minutes and just stood still. But he is more stable than I am. Even now. He completed the formalities and then we left for the cemetery. That journey felt never ending. We reached home at night. I don't remember what time it was. Fred prepared dinner but nothing went down my throat. Yet I had not shed a drop of tear.
Sometimes the pain is so immense that everything within us just dries up. It can't be expressed by crying the hardest. It's so immense. My house felt empty, my kids were without their Godmother and I was without my advisor, companion, sister, comforter, secret keeper... I was living without my heartbeat. Everyday just renewed and increased the pain. Every nook and corner of the house carried her memories and it chased me wherever I went. I tried every possible way to forget and move on because life goes on. It gives us the hardest of lessons and leaves us to face the reality. Life had betrayed me. Every night I spent on my bed silently crying over the memories and grasping them to my heart. I could hear her voice always. Like she was calling me wherever I went. It chased me every second. When I dozed off I would suddenly wake up with a jerk and run to the verandah or our favourite attic or the terrace feeling as if she had called me. Everyday on the breakfast table I prepare her plate as well and unconciously every night I Would make sure that the mosquito repellant was working. I continued texting her for days on end and waiting for her reply. But it never came and it would never come. This realisation dawned everyday and went away too. I again found myself texting her.
I would look at her photos and cry myself to sleep. My children gathered around me and Fred did everything humanly possible to get me to live again. But life was impossible for me. It became difficult to continue to live with each passing day. I didn't know how to decide on things and who to consult. The person whom I trusted blindly had left me and I was just struggling each day to be able to survive. Life was so evil! But maybe she was there somewhere watching me and my pain and perhaps even crying with me. Maybe she is the one who gave me the strength to get back up and start living because I know she can do everything.
I did live after that. I grew my children up and got them settled and took many many more decisions by myself. I faced difficult and critical situations without batting an eyelid. But every time I felt that things could have been much easier with her around. Maybe I would have felt a bit more secure... But I knew she was there somewhere and I know that she is still there and is reading this and crying with me again... Because that is who is she is... She always watches over me...
"Time heals"- people say but I haven't healed yet. I still serve her meals, check the mosquito repellant, buy gifts for her on her birthday, text her and wait for her to reply. Every time the doorbell rings I feel maybe this time it's her. she has come back to me. Though she is not, I still wait and will do so. It's her fiftieth birthday today and I am here writing about her. I went out yesterday in the evening and bought a present for her and today morning I even baked a cake like I have been doing all these years. Today for dinner I will make her favourite dishes and will again check if the mosquito repellant is working and tomorrow the frist doorbell I hear I will hope to see her standing there. Maybe she will say "I was just playing hide and seek with you." I still haven't come to terms with the loss. Maybe one day the sun will shine and she will actually ring the doorbell. Just someday...
Even I have been with her on every turn of life. I am more than sure that she has never faced any problem alone. Maybe I was not always able to solve them but she had my support always. After her mother's death when she was left broken and dusted I remained with her every moment and brought her back to life. When she decided not to get married I supported her because marriage is not the only happiness in life. It is not the only companionship. And as far as she was concerned she would never feel alone or in need of companionship because I was always there with her. I know I have never left her alone even once. After I got married and moved to a different city she too went there with her job and we stayed together. Fred loved the idea and we were a very happy family. We have memories that can never be recreated with anyone else. I had a kind of blind faith in her that I didn't have in Fred too. Such was the intensity of our bond. And then one fine day everything came to an end and my time stopped.
I remember the sensation on my skin and the chill that ran down my spine when the call came from the hospital. I was in my night clothes and ran out that way. I remember the way I drove there and the scenario around. I had called Fred by then and he too was on his way. I ran up the stairs to the ICU as fast as I could. But by then everything was over. Fred reached in a few minutes and just stood still. But he is more stable than I am. Even now. He completed the formalities and then we left for the cemetery. That journey felt never ending. We reached home at night. I don't remember what time it was. Fred prepared dinner but nothing went down my throat. Yet I had not shed a drop of tear.
Sometimes the pain is so immense that everything within us just dries up. It can't be expressed by crying the hardest. It's so immense. My house felt empty, my kids were without their Godmother and I was without my advisor, companion, sister, comforter, secret keeper... I was living without my heartbeat. Everyday just renewed and increased the pain. Every nook and corner of the house carried her memories and it chased me wherever I went. I tried every possible way to forget and move on because life goes on. It gives us the hardest of lessons and leaves us to face the reality. Life had betrayed me. Every night I spent on my bed silently crying over the memories and grasping them to my heart. I could hear her voice always. Like she was calling me wherever I went. It chased me every second. When I dozed off I would suddenly wake up with a jerk and run to the verandah or our favourite attic or the terrace feeling as if she had called me. Everyday on the breakfast table I prepare her plate as well and unconciously every night I Would make sure that the mosquito repellant was working. I continued texting her for days on end and waiting for her reply. But it never came and it would never come. This realisation dawned everyday and went away too. I again found myself texting her.
I would look at her photos and cry myself to sleep. My children gathered around me and Fred did everything humanly possible to get me to live again. But life was impossible for me. It became difficult to continue to live with each passing day. I didn't know how to decide on things and who to consult. The person whom I trusted blindly had left me and I was just struggling each day to be able to survive. Life was so evil! But maybe she was there somewhere watching me and my pain and perhaps even crying with me. Maybe she is the one who gave me the strength to get back up and start living because I know she can do everything.
I did live after that. I grew my children up and got them settled and took many many more decisions by myself. I faced difficult and critical situations without batting an eyelid. But every time I felt that things could have been much easier with her around. Maybe I would have felt a bit more secure... But I knew she was there somewhere and I know that she is still there and is reading this and crying with me again... Because that is who is she is... She always watches over me...
"Time heals"- people say but I haven't healed yet. I still serve her meals, check the mosquito repellant, buy gifts for her on her birthday, text her and wait for her to reply. Every time the doorbell rings I feel maybe this time it's her. she has come back to me. Though she is not, I still wait and will do so. It's her fiftieth birthday today and I am here writing about her. I went out yesterday in the evening and bought a present for her and today morning I even baked a cake like I have been doing all these years. Today for dinner I will make her favourite dishes and will again check if the mosquito repellant is working and tomorrow the frist doorbell I hear I will hope to see her standing there. Maybe she will say "I was just playing hide and seek with you." I still haven't come to terms with the loss. Maybe one day the sun will shine and she will actually ring the doorbell. Just someday...
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